Ode to the Luggage Van*

…as assigned by Annelise in writing class [address an inanimate or natural object]:

O Van! Of cars extending further left[1]
Than e’re I’ve driv’n[2] before
Thou hast annoyed me more
And of a fencepost[3] made Wastwat’r[4] bereft.

O Van! Thy leftist gearshift[5] climbs to six[6]
And stalls when on a hill
Pray[7] that thou willst not kill[8]
In front of that oncoming lorry and put me in a horrible fix – [9]

1. As vehicles do in the UK, so that a right-thinking American driver must not only remember to stay to the left, but also remember to not stay too far to the left.
2. Contractions are necessary to make the metre scan. Note that while in England you say ‘metre’ instead of ‘meter’. And you use single quote marks instead of double quote marks, and the quote marks are inside the period. As far as I know, ‘metre’ and ‘meter’ are pronounced the same, although I suppose because of the Norman (French) influence you could put a little sound on the end of the word like the ‘re’ at the end of ‘Louvre’ or ‘Sartre’. Actually not, that would be weird.
3. Don’t ask.
4. Awkward contraction, sorry. Just make it rhyme with ‘Sartre’.
5. No comment on British politics, although the whole political spectrum tends to shift a little further left in the UK as compared to the US. For example, their term ‘neo-lib’ is the direct analogy to our term ‘neo-con’, as far as I can tell. Note also that the single quote mark goes inside the comma as well as inside the period.
6. Why six? And the gearshift is on the left side of the steering column, and backwards. I suppose it’s all a part of their socialist world-view.
7. ‘Pray’ in this type of ode often means ‘let’, or ‘allow’, as in a vague or general wish or suggestion to the universe or fate. Here it means ‘pray’.
8. In all senses of the word.
9. Note that the metre breaks down in the climactic line. This is not just vulgarly copying Ogden Nash, it is a way to show strong action or emotion. As I did at the time.

*annotated by the luggage van driver while waiting for the group to make their trek across Yorkshire